Dear Men: Your Networking is Not Working.
For as long as I’ve been attending networking events, they've been mildly to moderately uncomfortable. Quick, find someone who looks friendly or bail. It’s the desperate feeling that sinks in when you first enter the room. Hell, it starts when you’re in the car on the way there as you clock every exit until you’ve got no more chances to head back home.
In fact, even before I click that official registration link, I typically run through a list of contacts that could also possibly be there too, in hopes to hang with, or on to them for dear life. Rarely do I proceed if the chances of having a known ally there are slim. And yes, I realize one of the main purposes of networking is to make new contacts, but I could also run into Starbucks and introduce myself to the barista. They’re more likely to remember my name.
Kidding aside (but who’s kidding?) I was professionally born and raised at networking events. My natural self-deprecation, ability to talk to just about anyone, and innate flair for giving and receiving just the right amount of attention (see: Jr. high theater) served me well in these moments. I’ve made life-long friends sharing a glass of white wine over spinach dip and built some of my deepest client relationships starting with a joke about “doing just about anything to get a few moments away from toddlers.” Conversely, I can count on two hands the times I’ve thought “well that was a complete waste of time.” I genuinely believe events are a fundamental part of growing your businesses and appreciate each opportunity to take advantage of them.
That being said….
Fellas.
You’re doing it wrong.
Allow me to explain, for your own good, as a woman who has had the following incidents occur all while at networking events:
Her ponytail yanked by a stranger who said, “Sorry, sweetie, I couldn’t resist.”
Uninvited hands placed around her waist mid-conversation
Been uncomfortably cornered in hallways or less-crowded parts of rooms to the point of pretending my phone was ringing/someone was calling for me
Asked, “Are you sure you’re not having twins?” while 6-months pregnant with definitely just one baby
I have to say I’m pretty sure this is not how it’s supposed to be done. And those are some of the more…publicly shareable moments.
Walking into a room that is attended by significantly more men than women is already a pretty intimidating thing. Sorry, but it just is. Finding the right moment to interject into tightly-woven conversations is a veritable trapeze performance. Oftentimes you’re met with broad suit-jacketed backs that don’t exactly say, “Come on in!” and when searching the room for a friendly face, god forbid you catch someone’s eye and they perceive it as an entirely different kind of gesture.
Does a woman looking at you always mean she finds you attractive?
Just recently, after identifying the perfect moment to jump into a discussion nearby, I found myself in a pleasant chat about local business with good economic fodder. Feeling proud of successfully executing the casual conversation drop in, I turned to mosey along when one of the men I was chatting with chuckled, “Hey it seems like you two have a little bit of a spark here!” and pointed back and forth between me and the other gent.
Sir. Absolutely not.
Immediately I felt embarrassed and ashamed for putting myself out there in conversation. Was I smiling too broadly? Did I not mention my husband or kids? Surely I wasn’t putting out that kind of vibe!
The truth is this happens to we women all the damn time. Self-inflicted indignation.
Except this time I’m not just filing it away in the catalog of “ick.” This time I turned a few seconds of fear and regret into fuel. Fuel to write down the things we typically say to other women in side conversations, but not typically out loud. Fuel to reiterate this most-recent story here in this blog post. It’s not even the worst offense I’ve experienced, and I’m fairly certain it most certainly won’t be the last.
When we started 51Group it was because we wanted to embrace the idea of women working together to make things happen. And not without men - we love men! We married them, were born from them and have birthed them. Some of our very favorite clients are men. (Important note: this is not an all-inclusive assessment of the male species by any means, but it is a very real problem. Again I say there are many men I think the world of. You know who you are.) But as women we gotta use our “get shit done” powers to stop this madness.
So what do we do?
We have to speak up. We have to keep pushing to make these environments enjoyable and safe for everyone. We have to talk about the gray areas and the yucky moments that have affected us and continue to affect us. We have to show up for ourselves, for each other and for the next generation of women in business because coming together as a community of leaders, business people, neighbors – it’s important. It connects us, it helps us grow and expand our networks and our minds. All-women events are wonderful and important, but last I checked the world is not run by all women. The table needs a seat for everyone.
My hope is that we keep talking about these kinds of issues and in turn make it easier for women to always feel like there is space for us in these rooms. No apologies, no questioning our own actions, just pure respect and appreciation for one another and our perspectives. Because as 51% of the population, we damn well deserve it.